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LHP Left-Hand Path: For discussing traditions that reject conventional religious dogmas and/or practices in favor of techniques or positions that are generally considered 'taboo.'

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Old 10-05-10   #11
Darth Brooks
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Default Re: Confronting inner darkness

Petrus,

First I want to say that, while I think it's good to expose yourself to fringey things, I think you ought to stop listening to people like David Icke so much, at least for a while, and that you should concentrate your studies on things that are a bit less...paranoid.

I agree that darkness does not automatically translate to the LHP and that Chaos magic is not necessarily LHP either. It can certainly be applied in an LHP context, but then again, so can Christianity, albeit it in very unconventional forms thereof.

I think you need to stop over-analyzing yourself for a bit and that you just need to let yourself *be*. You need to get out of your house and away from your computer for several hours a day and you need to go *do* something. Sitting there and just thinking all the time is liable to drive a person nuts (I would know). I know you don't really feel comfortable with the world and the people around you, but you need to transcend that. I think it's really important that you should have a life *apart* from your online activities, and I worry that the lack of such a life is the real root of your problem. So just tell yourself, what the hell, and go to your public library. Or go see a movie. Or go job-hunting. Or go to a park. Or go to a museum. Go and do *something* because while you think a great deal, I don't think you actually *do* very much. And that is not intended to be a criticism or to make you feel bad. I only say this because I'm fond of you and I want to see you break out of this mental trap you've gotten yourself into.

I could sit here and read and post on ESF just about everyday, but each day I have things I have to do. Sure, some of my responsibilities are real bummers. But they also give me a sense of accomplishment and by taking care of them, I am rewarding myself in the end. So my advice to you is go out and find something for yourself to accomplish. Accomplish that thing, and then find something else to accomplish. Accomplish that thing, and so on. Then you will have a much clearer understanding of yourself and the world you live in. You can't live your entire life inside your head.
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Old 10-06-10   #12
petrus4
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Default Re: Confronting inner darkness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Brooks View Post
First I want to say that, while I think it's good to expose yourself to fringey things, I think you ought to stop listening to people like David Icke so much, at least for a while, and that you should concentrate your studies on things that are a bit less...paranoid.
Agreed. "They're coming for us! To rule us, and eat us! The green skinned lizard people from the Moon!"

Icke's material isn't exactly good for the promotion of sanity, you might say.

Quote:
I think you need to stop over-analyzing yourself for a bit and that you just need to let yourself *be*. You need to get out of your house and away from your computer for several hours a day and you need to go *do* something.
I think this is true. I've stopped the analysis for the time being, but only half an hour ago, a very simple way of summarising my situation came into my head, which I think was helpful.

Namely, that out of all potential human experience, I've reduced my available options by a factor of around 90%, (maybe even 95%) and then, while allowing myself the 5-10% that I can tolerate while remaining relatively stable, have then begun deceptively convincing myself that such a scenario is actually healthy.

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Go and do *something* because while you think a great deal, I don't think you actually *do* very much. And that is not intended to be a criticism or to make you feel bad. I only say this because I'm fond of you and I want to see you break out of this mental trap you've gotten yourself into.
No, I know you're not criticising me. I appreciate it; and you're right. I really don't do much. When I first moved back in with my mother, I was going into the city a lot, but then she really started on at me about how I need to save money. The end result of that has now been that, although with my grandfather's inheritance, I have nearly $11,000 in the bank, most days I literally go from my bed, to the computer, to the supermarket, and back again. I need to learn to ignore her, and realise that even if I am spending money, as long as I'm smart about it, I'm doing what I need. I can save a lot of money on the train fare if I buy monthly tickets instead of daily, etc.

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So my advice to you is go out and find something for yourself to accomplish. Accomplish that thing, and then find something else to accomplish. Accomplish that thing, and so on. Then you will have a much clearer understanding of yourself and the world you live in. You can't live your entire life inside your head.
Well, ironically to a degree this is actually another of my issues. I have a Linux project which I've been working on for around five years now, on and off; and although I really enjoy doing it and can derive a great sense of satisfaction for my own sake, lately I have been plagued with worry and self-doubt about whether or not anyone else is going to find it useful once I get it finished.

That is truthfully the reason why I keep going to the other forum which motivated this thread; although the people there are very toxic, it is a Linux forum, so I think I'm trying to maintain some chance of having a target audience for my work. I think I am going to have to try and find another captive audience somehow.
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Old 10-06-10   #13
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Default Re: Confronting inner darkness

Justa thought that popped into my head reading this last post - petrus, in past I've been drawn to scenarios that were toxic as you put it - to say the least! Drawn almost magnetically, almost against my will towards them - places i knew I'd be attacked, ridiculed, wholly misunderstood - and I kept going. Now,having recovered somewhat from that dynamic, in my own case at least I think it was the psyche's means of forcing me into confrontation not with the Shadow side of other people - I'm well familiar with that - but with my own alter ego, Shadow side - how I cope with conflict. It took me years to figure out how I react, how I would vacillate between UberBitch and "I'll fix their sorry asses" on the one hand, and then retreat to what I see as my authentic self - "let's reason this out, let's be friends"....the whole point was, by thinking of UberBitch as not part of me I was deluding myself that the real me is pure, good and innocent, thus projecting all my own nasty aspects onto the other...what I had to get absolutely was that the nastiness is in me too and until I started to own that, I couldn't master it at all, it had a power all its own within me that I explained away as different, because MY nastiness was in retaliation, and as such, still "innocent".

That was kind of rambling, but hopefully made some sense. I just saw a parallel there, I used to be drawn into these things and felt consumed by them. The more I integrate that so-called nasty element in myself, the less glamour these horrid situations have held for me.

If you are repeatedly drawn into situations of conflict, it isn't "your fault" - or "your creation" - flabby reasoning there for sure. but it might be that the way in which you RESPOND to conflict does perpetuate it. Recently, I became embroiled in a conflict that inflated to an insane degree, not because I did something to cause it, but because I didn't stop it sooner. ironically, the very part of me I seek to reject - the "UberBitch" was what I needed to stop the cycle of escalation. Had I put my foot down and not sought consensus, not agonized etc, it would still have been unpleasant but a whole lot quicker. My desire to trust in human goodness, to believe that crazy people are RARE, not common, to utilize love and reason in equal measure to resolve conflicts - all of that land me in repeated patterns of difficulty. It's been a tough lesson, but next time someone fucks me over, I end the scenario swiftly and with no muss or fuss. UberBitch has a job to do, and I'm very glad to have befriended her - finally.
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Old 10-06-10   #14
petrus4
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Default Re: Confronting inner darkness

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Originally Posted by feranaja View Post
Justa thought that popped into my head reading this last post - petrus, in past I've been drawn to scenarios that were toxic as you put it - to say the least! Drawn almost magnetically, almost against my will towards them - places i knew I'd be attacked, ridiculed, wholly misunderstood - and I kept going.
That has been the scenario I've been in as well; although oddly enough, since admitting my genuine hypocrisy to the person in question, the sense of a compelling need to keep going to the same site has lessened somewhat; although my ability to actually enjoy the place has returned a little, as well.

However, you're also correct; my own wrongdoing notwithstanding, the individual in question is genuinely one of the more potently vicious assholes that I've encountered, in nearly two decades online. He is the archetypical Anglo-Celtic Australian male, and a strong reminder of the reason why, in social terms, I have come to genuinely hate my country; to the point where I am no longer even really willing to call it *my* country. I have never been treated with more consistent cruelty, both online and off, by members of any other single group on the planet, than male white Australians.

I think this is also the reason why I have such difficulty going outside lately, as well; the Internet is where I feel safe, primarily because of the fact that here I'm able to have social interaction with people from somewhere else. I have given up even really wanting to know people in this country, I think.

This also isn't just me making groundless, racist generalisations, and I've been able to prove it conclusively. The quality of people that I encountered on non-Australian servers in World of Warcraft was also vastly better, on a consistent basis; more mature, less profane, less angry, less aggressive. The fastest way I ever lost credibility in an argument on IRC was also to let people know where I was from.

Quote:
Now,having recovered somewhat from that dynamic, in my own case at least I think it was the psyche's means of forcing me into confrontation not with the Shadow side of other people - I'm well familiar with that - but with my own alter ego, Shadow side - how I cope with conflict.
In terms of my own Shadow...my parents were in Amway for seven years while I was a teenager. My father consistently drilled the following paradox into my head, for practically my entire childhood:-

a} Becoming a billionaire is the only legitimate justification for human existence, particularly as a male.

b} Even though a} is true, you can't actually try and do it, because in order to get there, you would need to hurt a very large number of other people, and that would be wrong.

My father wanted to be an exceedingly rich man, but he never attained that goal, and I feel very confident in predicting that at this point, he never will. My mother is a private school educated, Leonine, Anglophiliac rank materialist as well, although her prejudices have softened considerably in the last decade; particularly considering that her income now equals my own.

However, this is also the entire reason for my own fear of my Linux work never being of practical benefit to anybody else; because despite the amount that I enjoy it, whatever time I spend on it is fairly simply time that I am not spending working towards becoming obscenely wealthy.

Hence also the reason for my intense loathing towards such figures as David Rockefeller; I recognise that as much as I might consider him truly evil, a very small, very black part of me actually wishes I was in his shoes, if only because I know that it would earn me a level of parental credibility and respect that I will never receive otherwise.

Pluto in Libra in 7, square Moon in Capricorn in 10, right on the Midheaven, almost directly opposite Saturn in Leo in 4. Without money, I will never have the true respect of my parents, regardless of how much I might crave it; and I will also never have a wife or romantic partner for as long as they are alive. They have already destroyed one relationship, and I do not court women easily.

Last edited by petrus4; 10-06-10 at 12:20 PM.
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