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Old 07-08-11   #1
Seraphyna
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Default An Over-Do Re-Think

I’ve been thinking again…which is never a good thing and I’ve been specifically pondering my beliefs regarding my “not humanness” or whatever you wanna call it. I’ve started pondering mainly because of a boy. “ZOMG Sera this is a journal –like boy post? Come ON” you’re thinking…well there’s a point in here somewhere (I hope). This is gonna be long so sit tight…
Anywho, I was kinda sorta dating this guy for almost 6 months and in that span of time I realized that he made me feel human…for the first time probably ever. I mean, from birth (I assume, I’ve just always felt this way) I haven’t felt human, I haven’t understood most of human concepts and emotions (like loyalty to ones’ family out of principle, or dichotomies people split thinking into, etc.) it all just makes zero sense to me though I’m capable of behaving according to social norms and such. I mean, okay, I might not understand it and my parents definitely don’t understand how I can’t feel X way when Y happens and blah blah blah but I’m perfectly capable of existing “normally” in society…I’m not a sociopath I promise. Back on topic. Where was I? Oh yes, boy. I broached the topic of otherkin with him and he had the initial knee jerk reaction of “well I can accept souls ending up in the wrong body but people who think they’re incarnate energy beings like angels and stuff are just insane” needless to say that conversation ended quickly. I abandoned ship…later he said he was kidding but that kinda killed it for me so I never brought it up again. What does *that* have to do with anything? Well, I was just me around him, no explanations aside from the human ones, no excuses, just me. And he was cool with that…and it was kind of awesome to have someone just accept me like that—as is.
That all being said, the otherkin stuff has definitely been on the back burner for months mainly because this whole new “feeling like a human being” thing shoved it there. Until now it’s been an explanation for so many things and this kind of broadsided me. Me? Feel human after 25 years of not? What the hell? I mean, I haven’t felt a phantom limb, haven’t really had a shift of any kind, and haven’t even felt that odd weight between my shoulders. This is just plain strange. Alright, I guess I’ve had the odd fantom set of large feline species-esque chompers and claws but that’s really about it.
The other consideration here is a book I’ve been reading by Michael Shermer called “The Believing Brain”. It’s really interesting and I recommend it to everyone, *especially* otherkin. It’s all about how and why we (humans) form beliefs and how we are hardwired to believe something and then find supporting evidence (sound familiar?).
Where am I going with this? Well, putting all of this together it truly makes me think of this otherkin stuff (meaning my otherkin stuff) as a psychological construct from childhood…and this makes sense when I really think about it. I’m adopted. It is apparently common for adoptees to not feel human, to feel separate from the rest of the human race. I was bullied endlessly from about 4th grade until I got to college…further feeling like I don’t fit in, hating my body (body dismorphia, woo! Not.), feeling like my body is just not right, not understanding a lot of human concepts like certain emotions, you get the idea. So if it is all a psychological construct, doesn’t it make a lot of sense for it to vanish when I find someone who makes all of that go away? If you ask me it does. Now, the rub is that we’re still friends but we’re not together anymore so it’ll be interesting to see if he permanently re-wired my brain (though I still “don’t get” a lot of emotion stuff) or if those phantom sensations, shifts, etc. will come back.
What does this mean? Well, I’m honestly not sure. I have yet to really meditate since or during this whole business, and I certainly haven’t tried to access those pesky “past life memories”…but I’m pretty confident in saying that my “soul” may or may not be an energetic being instead of a plain old human soul. I can’t prove I even have a soul, so it’s all speculation and honestly I’m not sure I care. I mean, the mechanism is all speculation, no one can prove either way if for some of us it’s spiritual or others it’s psychological or if it’s all one or the other regardless of personal theory. So whatever the reason, I guess this means I’m psychological ‘kin until proven otherwise and I’m okay with that because, honestly, the why doesn’t matter how it affects me and my life is what matters.
So if you got this far, I commend you and will summarize what I’m thinking currently about “what,” other than human, I am. Okay. So, the only phantom anythings I’ve felt in the past few months are wings (which eventually went away), claws, and a set of big-cat-like teeth. I’ve also felt like my shoulderblades are “wrong” that is that they should move more like a big-cat’s do than being flat like a human’s. I’ve still got a lot of personal energy, but some people just do, that’s not necessarily a ‘kin thing at all. I’m still rather intrigued by and connected to death, anger, the concepts of vengeance and wrath. It’s all stuff I have to think on and find the time to really meditate on. I mean, at the moment, I’m thinking polymorph (I can still trigger a phantom shift if I really want to, but who knows if that’s psychosomatic or not and I can’t “prove” either way so meh), and my gargoyle concept (lioness-dragon) seems to still fit…it’s just the angel of death part I’m not sure about anymore and will take some pondering. So yeah, regardless of spiritual stuff I’m pretty sure I’m psych-kin (I think that should catch on, the label amuses me :P) and exactly what I am is open to figuring out…so prepare yourselves for an epic part two at some point (probably weeks or months from now).
In closing, I’d like to thank Archer for her post on a few forums, “Why We Bother?” because I honestly probably wouldn’t have put the time and effort into this if she hadn’t. Funny how people kick you in the butt without trying, eh?
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Old 07-08-11   #2
RoseRed
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Default Re: An Over-Do Re-Think

You keep saying that you haven't meditated on it. Maybe it's time to.

I saw something horrid while meditating and I avoided it like the plague. It bothered me and I didn't want to deal with it. I finally had enough of avoidance and just did it. It was good that I gave it time - it gave me time to think. I was also much more prepared for what I needed to face.

(this is me being supportive in case you couldn't tell)
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Old 07-09-11   #3
SunSister
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Default Re: An Over-Do Re-Think

Meditate on it. Maybe you can utilise a similar 'guided meditation' to the one some people use to find their spirit guides. Instead of asking your spirit guide to step forward, you might ask yourself to step forward. (This is most easily done when looking into an imaginary mirror, pool of water or any other reflective surface.)

Some of your post rings true for me as well. I can feel human on occasion, although some human concepts are totally foreign for me. I do not always feel the weight between my shoulderblades either, although I know that the wings are always there. I have some people in my life who're capable of making me feel 'nothing but human', but I also have some rare individuals around me who bring out the feeling of non-human like crazy. (I have found, over the years, that I am most 'human' around people who've grounded themselves really thoroughly energy-wise. I'm more of an airy-fairy floating castle myself, so I need some people to bring me back down to earth. I feel a lot less 'human' when I'm allowed to float around and 'detach' myself from the world.)

I have no idea where I'm going with this post, but you're welcome to come talk with me if you need someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. I hope you'll find your way in this.
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Old 07-09-11   #4
petrus4
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Default Re: An Over-Do Re-Think

The single main reason why I tend to feel non-human, is because I feel that the basis of the majority of human behaviour is pathological; whereas, although I still do engage in self-defeating behaviour at times, I've noticed that I tend to make more of an effort than most of the people around me (in offline terms, at least) to adopt behaviour patterns that are actually beneficial to me.

It is possible (not definite, but possible) that at least a certain degree of what you are feeling, is being caused by the same thing. Ergo, that you are a person who tries to seek forms of behaviour and ways of doing things that are not dysfunctional and self-defeating, but which are actually effective for serving a given purpose, or solving a given problem.

As you continue to do this, you'll likely find a lot of elements of the way you live, which are radically different from those of the people around you. I carry around a pocketknife/multi-tool which often comes in handy, and used to carry a compass, and a small pair of my mother's binoculars.

These are just stupid examples, but they're things which the majority of humans don't do, but which can be very useful. Because they're things which most people don't do, however, they make us stand out if we do them.

As an another example, there was a set of low resolution infra red goggles that I was thinking of buying online at one point; I didn't end up getting them because I was worried that people would really think I was weird, even if I just carried them in a pocket, but the reason why I wanted them is because I've been attacked a couple of times at night before, and being able to see someone coming might give me more of a chance to get away if necessary. I've learned to view situational preparedness as being very important.

As for the energetic stuff, I can't comment. That's part of who you are as an individual. You might well be non-human in acorporeal terms; it's not for me to say, one way or the other. I've had mental flashes myself at times, which corresponded with what people have written about Sirius; so I possibly am in a similar boat myself.
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Old 09-30-11   #5
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Thumbs up Re: An Over-Do Re-Think

Your tools, are so Far from as you put it " Stupid ".. They are tools that aid you, yes ?
So long as they're not used for negative " deeds ", it seems to me anyway that you've " thought outside the box " and possibly will see more than most ?? /|\
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