BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

[Bartmanhomer]

This thread is for the ongoing creative writing developments and discussions of new or improved creative material created by BartmanHomer. All such future submissions will be included in this thread.

monsnoleedra

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One night, there was a mature beautiful psychic named Pamela Chalice. She runs a 24-hour tarot cafe, where she does she tarot card reading and also runs the cafe where she sells coffee and a bakery. A doorbell rang. She said: "The door open." A young man open the door. He wore everything black. He said to Pamela. "I want a tarot reading to see my future." Pamela show the young man the table where he and Pamela sit. Both of them are seated at the table. Pamela looks at the young man, "you look very young for your age, how old are you?" she asked. "I'm 20 years old. Some people thinks I'm 13 or even 10. I'm very young for me age." he said. "And you're very handsome as well." She replied. "Awwww, thank you. My mother told me the same as well." The young man blushed. Pamela took out her Rider-Waite Tarot Deck. She asked: "What your name?" The young man said: "My name is Daniel." "Pleasure to meet your Daniel. I'm Pamela." Pamela said while she shuffling the Rider-Waite Tarot Cards. "Ok, it's all set." She put the 3 cards face-down. "Oh great tarot, let's see what Daniel future will be like." said Pamela as she flip the first card. It's the Star. "I sense that there wonderful wishes coming to you in the near future." She said. "Oh yes, I'm actually having a business deal for my rap music at Death Sentence record. I'm a rapper actually, and rapping is my dream coming true. Anyway I always wanted to be rich and famous since I was a little boy. And my dream of becoming a star have skyrocket into fame very quickly. This is going to be my future." said Daniel. "That's very good Daniel, let see what the second card will say about your stardom fame." She said as she flips the second card. It's the 6 of swords. "This card means that you have being relieve from stress or a voyager of a journey." she said "I have being going on with my father lately. He wants to pressure my schoolwork instead of being famous. It's was tension at first but everything is working out very well." said Daniel "Well I'm glad everything is working out for you. And the final card is............" She flips the last card. It's the Ace of Cups. "The Ace of Cups. This is the beginning of new love and happiness of your music business Daniel. Any thought on that Daniel?" She asked "Oh yeah, I have met a beautiful girls who exactly the same age as me, we have so much in common. She's also a rapper as well. We dress alike and we love each other very much. And guess what, we rapping a duet together." said Daniel "I'm so happy that you found your true love Daniel." Pamela smiled. "Wow you're a good tarot reading Pamela. I'm going to tell all my friends about you." said Daniel as he give Pamela 10 dollars. "Bye Pamela, it's was nice meeting you, love the reading." said Daniel as he left the cafe. "Bye Daniel, it's was nice reading with you." said Pamela as she waved goodbye to Daniel

THE END

What do you think?

[PrincessKLS]

Is this a true story or just a ficticious story you made up?

[Bartmanhomer]

Originally Posted by PrincessKLS

Is this a true story or just a ficticious story you made up?

It's a ficticious story that I just made up.

[MonSno_LeeDra]

BMH, could you maybe break up the wall of text? It's diffiuclt to read and seperate the trains of though that you are trying to present. I know today it is giving my eyes problems and there are others here as well that I know have problems with large walls of text.

Tks and I'll replay again after I can read it.

[Bartmanhomer]

Originally Posted by MonSno_LeeDra

BMH, could you maybe break up the wall of text? It's diffiuclt to read and seperate the trains of though that you are trying to present. I know today it is giving my eyes problems and there are others here as well that I know have problems with large walls of text.

Tks and I'll replay again after I can read it.

D'OH! Ok.

[Bartmanhomer]

I'm done editing. So what do you think?

[MonSno_LeeDra]

Originally Posted by Bartmanhomer

One night, there was a mature beautiful psychic named Pamela Chalice. She runs a 24-hour tarot cafe, where she does she tarot card reading and also runs the cafe where she sells coffee and a bakery.

A doorbell rang. She said: "The door open."

A young man open the door. He wore everything black. He said to Pamela. "I want a tarot reading to see my future."

Pamela show the young man the table where he and Pamela sit. Both of them are seated at the table.

Pamela looks at the young man, "you look very young for your age, how old are you?" she asked.

"I'm 20 years old. Some people thinks I'm 13 or even 10. I'm very young for me age." he said.

"And you're very handsome as well." She replied.

"Awwww, thank you. My mother told me the same as well." The young man blushed.

Pamela took out her Rider-Waite Tarot Deck. She asked: "What your name?"

The young man said: "My name is Daniel."

"Pleasure to meet your Daniel. I'm Pamela." Pamela said while she shuffling the Rider-Waite Tarot Cards. "Ok, it's all set." She put the 3 cards face-down. "Oh great tarot, let's see what Daniel future will be like." said Pamela as she flip the first card.

It's the Star. "I sense that there wonderful wishes coming to you in the near future." She said.

"Oh yes, I'm actually having a business deal for my rap music at Death Sentence record. I'm a rapper actually, and rapping is my dream coming true. Anyway I always wanted to be rich and famous since I was a little boy. And my dream of becoming a star have skyrocket into fame very quickly. This is going to be my future." said Daniel.

"That's very good Daniel, let see what the second card will say about your stardom fame." She said as she flips the second card. It's the 6 of swords. "This card means that you have being relieve from stress or a voyager of a journey." she said

"I have being going on with my father lately. He wants to pressure my schoolwork instead of being famous. It's was tension at first but everything is working out very well." said Daniel

"Well I'm glad everything is working out for you. And the final card is............" She flips the last card. It's the Ace of Cups. "The Ace of Cups. This is the beginning of new love and happiness of your music business Daniel.

Any thought on that Daniel?" She asked

"Oh yeah, I have met a beautiful girls who exactly the same age as me, we have so much in common. She's also a rapper as well. We dress alike and we love each other very much. And guess what, we rapping a duet together." said Daniel

"I'm so happy that you found your true love Daniel." Pamela smiled.

"Wow you're a good tarot reading Pamela. I'm going to tell all my friends about you." said Daniel as he give Pamela 10 dollars. "Bye Pamela, it's was nice meeting you, love the reading." said Daniel as he left the cafe.

"Bye Daniel, it's was nice reading with you." said Pamela as she waved goodbye to Daniel

THE END

What do you think?

Probally not where you would have made the breaks but the best I can do assuming what you were trying to convey.

All in all not to bad if it is your first attempt. A little choppy in the transistions but has potential. One thing though if you want people to read you have to make sure you do not hit them with the wall of text. that more often than not will result in them simply turning the page and moving on.

[Bartmanhomer]

Originally Posted by MonSno_LeeDra

Probally not where you would have made the breaks but the best I can do assuming what you were trying to convey.

All in all not to bad if it is your first attempt. A little choppy in the transistions but has potential. One thing though if you want people to read you have to make sure you do not hit them with the wall of text. that more often than not will result in them simply turning the page and moving on.

Thank you. Tell me what is it that you like about the story. Or does the story doesn't matter to you? Does the story make sense? It medicore? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M FREAKING OUT!

[MonSno_LeeDra]

For a base line story it presented some of the chit chat that preceeds a reading and shows a reader that appears to have somewhat of a connection to her clinents. There is a fair bit of drawing out information to aid the reader in revealing what the cards are showing.

You indicate both the deck being used and the cards along with what you understand the meaning to be. That allows those with some idea of the cards to see what and where you are going with it. Been to long since I really read the cards and connected so I can't make a statement of the meanings you used.

NOt entirely different than some of the readings I observed or heard about with regard to duration.

The main difficulty is the tense and usage of words or lack there of. Makes it a bit difficult to flow into the story but that is something that gets better with practice and experience.

[RoseRed]

I think it shows how a reading can be tailor made to be what the client wants it to be.

I also think it's quite good - I also wondered if it was a real story or if it was fiction.