BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions - Page 6

Bartmanhomer · 06-10-11

Any comments on my writing?

Fethenwen · 06-10-11

I actually enjoyed this starmie starspace thingy stories

You have quite an imagination.

Bartmanhomer · 06-11-11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fethenwen

I actually enjoyed this starmie starspace thingy stories

You have quite an imagination.

Thank you.

Bartmanhomer · 06-12-11

Part 3

Youyou and Moe were swimming the sea until they encounter an Omantye.

The Omantye spoke "My name is Konk and I'm here to destroy you." said Konk.

"Not if I'm around." said Youyou as he tackles Konk with his tackle attack.

Konk dodges and he constricts Youyou with his constrict attack.

Youyou uses rapid spin on Konk. It's hits Konk with little effect.

Konk bites Youyou with his bite attack. Youyou is flinch and is unable to move.

Konk shots Youyou with his mud shot attack. It's hits Youyou.

Youyou blast Konk with his Hydro Pump. It's hits Konk with critical damages.

Konk summons rock and hit Youyou with his ancient power.

Youyou gives another blast with his Hydro Pump. It's severely damaged Konk and he faints.

Youyou won the battle.

"Way a go Youyou!" said Moe.

Fethenwen · 06-12-11

^ Okay...
But why not paint the world these creature live in a little bit? Give more background information about their lives and what they are? Instead of just jumping into the part with the battle?

Bartmanhomer · 06-13-11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fethenwen

^ Okay...
But why not paint the world these creature live in a little bit? Give more background information about their lives and what they are? Instead of just jumping into the part with the battle?

Good point.

Bartmanhomer · 07-07-11

I'm thinking of writing about a native american who into Wicca. Any suggestion or ideas?

Bartmanhomer · 03-11-14

One beautiful afternoon, Pamela was waiting for customers. Suddenly a young went inside the cafe.

"Hello. You must be Pamela." said the young man.

"Why yes. I'm Pamela. And you are?" asked Pamela.

"My name is Victor. And I want a tarot reading please." said Victor.

"Ok Victor. I'll show you the table." said Pamela as both of them seated at the table. Pamela shuffled the Rider Waite Tarot Deck and put three cards face down.

She flips the first card. It's the 5 of pentacles.

"It's seems like that you're in a financial loss. You must have loss your job or other financial issues." said Pamela

"I have loss my job as teacher. I work at P.S. 82. It's seems like no one doesn't want to talk about evolution and creationism debate. And I got canned because of that." said Victor.

"Oh I'm so sorry to hear about it, Victor." said Pamela as she flips the second card. It's the Ace Of Swords.

"This is the beginning of mental action and breakthrough." said Pamela.

"I'm using my head and brain power to find another job. So far I have many options to choose." said Victor.

"That's great, Victor." said Pamela as she flips the last card. It's the Wheel Of Fortune.

"There's good luck for that you'll be able to find a job." said Pamela.

"That's great news." said Victor as he gave Pamela ten dollars. Victor left the cafe.

One week later, Pamela receive a cell phone call.

"Hello?" asked Pamela.

"Hey Pamela. It's me Victor. It's seems like that I found a job at another school and the best part that this school is allowed to debate evoultion and creationism. Thank you so much for everything Pamela."

"I'm glad that you found another job and you're welcome Victor." said Pamela

THE END

Leben · 03-11-14

What went through their heads as this was happening? Did Pamela stop and think about how best to word what she saw? Did she see something one way but decide to say it another? What were their bodies doing? Did Victor shift in his chair with anticipation as the cards were flipped? What kind of day was it? What were they wearing?

Try adding some deeper dimension to your writing. You've described pretty well what this interaction would look like to an outside observer, but you have an opportunity to reveal something of their inner natures and draw the reader in ... it's your job to make us care.

TygerTyger · 03-12-14

First, congratulations on having a go at writing something and especially with putting it into the public domain. There are plenty of would be writers who are terrified of ever showing there work to someone else.

Second, spelling and punctuation. This is a basic skill and one that every writer needs to work on. It would be a good idea to edit your work before posting it. If you are not confident enough to do this yourself then get someone else to read it through first and highlight any mistakes that they spot. Do not see this as criticism, it is part of the learning process.

Third, once you have written something, re-write it! It is surprising how much an idea can develop when you give it a re-write, not to mention it gives you a chance to correct any mistakes that you might have made the first time around.

Finally, keep at it, let's see what else you can come up with!

06-10-11	#51
Bartmanhomer Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: New York, New York Posts: 4,707 Reputation: 174	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions Any comments on my writing?

06-10-11	#52
Fethenwen Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Finland Posts: 1,692 Reputation: 136	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions I actually enjoyed this starmie starspace thingy stories You have quite an imagination.

06-12-11	#54
Bartmanhomer Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: New York, New York Posts: 4,707 Reputation: 174	The Adventures of Youyou The Staryu Pokemon Part 3 Youyou and Moe were swimming the sea until they encounter an Omantye. The Omantye spoke "My name is Konk and I'm here to destroy you." said Konk. "Not if I'm around." said Youyou as he tackles Konk with his tackle attack. Konk dodges and he constricts Youyou with his constrict attack. Youyou uses rapid spin on Konk. It's hits Konk with little effect. Konk bites Youyou with his bite attack. Youyou is flinch and is unable to move. Konk shots Youyou with his mud shot attack. It's hits Youyou. Youyou blast Konk with his Hydro Pump. It's hits Konk with critical damages. Konk summons rock and hit Youyou with his ancient power. Youyou gives another blast with his Hydro Pump. It's severely damaged Konk and he faints. Youyou won the battle. "Way a go Youyou!" said Moe.

06-12-11	#55
Fethenwen Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Finland Posts: 1,692 Reputation: 136	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions ^ Okay... But why not paint the world these creature live in a little bit? Give more background information about their lives and what they are? Instead of just jumping into the part with the battle?

07-07-11	#57
Bartmanhomer Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: New York, New York Posts: 4,707 Reputation: 174	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions I'm thinking of writing about a native american who into Wicca. Any suggestion or ideas?

03-11-14	#58
Bartmanhomer Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: New York, New York Posts: 4,707 Reputation: 174	Victor Job Reading One beautiful afternoon, Pamela was waiting for customers. Suddenly a young went inside the cafe. "Hello. You must be Pamela." said the young man. "Why yes. I'm Pamela. And you are?" asked Pamela. "My name is Victor. And I want a tarot reading please." said Victor. "Ok Victor. I'll show you the table." said Pamela as both of them seated at the table. Pamela shuffled the Rider Waite Tarot Deck and put three cards face down. She flips the first card. It's the 5 of pentacles. "It's seems like that you're in a financial loss. You must have loss your job or other financial issues." said Pamela "I have loss my job as teacher. I work at P.S. 82. It's seems like no one doesn't want to talk about evolution and creationism debate. And I got canned because of that." said Victor. "Oh I'm so sorry to hear about it, Victor." said Pamela as she flips the second card. It's the Ace Of Swords. "This is the beginning of mental action and breakthrough." said Pamela. "I'm using my head and brain power to find another job. So far I have many options to choose." said Victor. "That's great, Victor." said Pamela as she flips the last card. It's the Wheel Of Fortune. "There's good luck for that you'll be able to find a job." said Pamela. "That's great news." said Victor as he gave Pamela ten dollars. Victor left the cafe. One week later, Pamela receive a cell phone call. "Hello?" asked Pamela. "Hey Pamela. It's me Victor. It's seems like that I found a job at another school and the best part that this school is allowed to debate evoultion and creationism. Thank you so much for everything Pamela." "I'm glad that you found another job and you're welcome Victor." said Pamela THE END

03-11-14	#59
Leben The Peanut Gallery Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 2,090 Reputation: 171	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions What went through their heads as this was happening? Did Pamela stop and think about how best to word what she saw? Did she see something one way but decide to say it another? What were their bodies doing? Did Victor shift in his chair with anticipation as the cards were flipped? What kind of day was it? What were they wearing? Try adding some deeper dimension to your writing. You've described pretty well what this interaction would look like to an outside observer, but you have an opportunity to reveal something of their inner natures and draw the reader in ... it's your job to make us care.

03-12-14	#60
TygerTyger Philosoraptor Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Where the streets have no name Posts: 5,016 Reputation: 478	Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions First, congratulations on having a go at writing something and especially with putting it into the public domain. There are plenty of would be writers who are terrified of ever showing there work to someone else. Second, spelling and punctuation. This is a basic skill and one that every writer needs to work on. It would be a good idea to edit your work before posting it. If you are not confident enough to do this yourself then get someone else to read it through first and highlight any mistakes that they spot. Do not see this as criticism, it is part of the learning process. Third, once you have written something, re-write it! It is surprising how much an idea can develop when you give it a re-write, not to mention it gives you a chance to correct any mistakes that you might have made the first time around. Finally, keep at it, let's see what else you can come up with! __________________ The Sorrow Song Trilogy The Sorrow Song Trilogy(FB) Peter C Whitaker WebPage

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