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Old 08-13-18   #1
feranaja
 
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Default A Bit of a Problem

I am hoping someone here, hopefully a few of you, can help.

As most of you know, I was forced last year out of my home of 12 years - and it was much more than a loss of a house and land I loved, I was basically, spiritually embedded in the land, in the flora and fauna, I went through the most powerful changes of my life - for a deeper insight into that that place as to me, you can read petty much anything here: www.mallowandwhitepine.com


I fought the landlords, I bought some time, I was awarded money they never paid, and eventually I was given this amazing place I am in now.(e dupe Oshun ma) I moved last summer and have been in the process of adjusting ever since. A whole turn of the Wheel has passed, and I have been doing better, overall, as one does. The dreams (which were basically every other night) had eased, and heir theme has changed; I am certainly no longer experiencing spontaneous astral projection and I can even look at the place (usually) without tears.
So, I am sure that I am doing ell, I am immersed in three programs of study and experiencing much success and gratification with my work; my animals are well and I am in deep process with my work and innerlife.

It's allgood...loss and change is part of life...except...


I juts pure and simply cannot find a sacred spot outside of those I had established during my life in that house and area. Period fullstop. So, I am doing vision work, trying to work with a sacred inner space, and every.single.time I am back in the old spots. I try and try to get somewhere else, but I simply cannot.

How can I make my inner life equate to my conscious reality? I cannot keep doing exercises with an internal sacred space that is always, the beloved home I was cast out of. I need to move on, internally, spiritually, as well as consciously.

Any ideas are welcomed.
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Old 08-14-18   #2
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

Sorry to hear this, fera. Have you brought anything of significance from your old place (a rock, feather, wood etc) that you could use in a new place as a kind of primer?
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Old 08-14-18   #3
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

Oh, so much, Drumwolf. Most notably, perhaps, is the drum I had made, using leaves from several of my trees. I had ritually gathered them at the Summer solstice, mailed to a woman I know who makes drums, and she did such a beautiful job.




This post in particular talks about my connection to that place, and my loss and pain at leaving: https://mallowandwhitepine.com/2017/...-of-the-earth/


but there are all kinds of smaller objects, and it seems I brought the Motherwort with me too (another story, I had tried to find Motherwort all over the area, and the year I gave up and ordered seeds and started my own, wild plants showed up EVERYWHERE in the yard. There was none here when I arrived, but the back garden is filled with it, where I planted sunflowers for Oshun and borage and hyssop for the bees.

My one staff is made from a white ash we had to cut - my general wand is yellow birch from the forest out back, and my Silver Bough was ceremonially cut from an apple on the property, for my Avalonian work. I have a pine stang and several strands of rose beads made from the huge wild rose outback. My medicine cupboard is filled with tinctures made from my garden.
That's what I can recall right now, anyway. The invisible strands of connection are very strong.
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Old 08-14-18   #4
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

I think part of the issue is your tools and stuff are "Things" and you see them as such. being things they are simply reflections of the place they came from and aspects of that place. It also makes them gateways to that place in both the physical sense and energy & mental sense.

You tend to refer to them by their reference to the place they came from and connection to that place by emotion. Seldom do I see you refer to them by their "Spirit" or "Super-Spirit" which is what ties them to you as an ally or mystical component.

For instance you wand is not a yellow birch from the forest outback, your wand is an ally gifted to you from the spirit of a tree that is part of the super-spirit of that greater species. It ties your wand to the entire species and spirit of that spirit and draws upon the character and essence of that spirit's abilities and influences. That is not unique to your forest or location, it wasn't unique to the tree it came from or the face of the tree you knew. Yet to only think of it as that is to ignore all that it is and where it's true nature and identity came from.

All the tincture's you've created are the same. They don't come from the individual plant's they come from the spirit of the plant's Spirit's and super spirits that form that species. The very nature of the green allies that are taken into the body by whatever means the tincture's uses for it's spirit to act upon us.

Your having problems escaping I think because you've programmed your tools and allies into things.

What do you see when you take a tool in your hands? Do you see the place it came from? Do you see and feel the spirit of the tool's spirit?

If you take you wand and all you see is the place you took the wand from on your property then it is a dead tool. Yet if you take it in your hand and the Yellow Birch is alive and you feel the pulse of it, then you won't think of your land. You'll be to busy being enveloped by the tree it came from. You'll feel the wind that blew upon it, the earth feeding into it, the water moving up through it, the sap rising, the sun beating down upon it or the cold encasing it. But you'll not think about your land for the tree doesn't think of your land, it thinks of to many other things.

The same will apply to your staff of white ash, it will not think of your land or remind you of your land. If it is reminding you of your land then it's a thing and your not connecting to the spirit that resides within.

That's why your tools only take you to the place you go to. You don't think of them as the spirits that they are and connect to the spirits that reside within them. You don't let them take you to those places for they are simply things. You've said it's your garden, your forest, your this and your that.

You say it was your garden for instance. Yet honestly that is a lie. The plants will grow whether you are there are not. The animals do not acknowledge it as yours. So you are a caretaker, and serve to aide the plants but they are not truly yours. You may introduce something new but cannot ensure it will survive. Al you can do is act as caretaker from day to day and in return the plants of the garden give you something in return. That is part of being an ally but its not ownership for you can't ensure nothing changes or happens to it.

But in the role of caretaker you realize it is not a thing but something that is alive and you can place it in your hands and feel it pulsate and breath. Doesn't matter if it be the very barren earth you start with or the plant's once they start growing. To hold it in your hand is the feel and taste it all at the same time. It's not seen as a thing but a living breathing experience in motion.

To shove your hands in the dirt is as awakening as to hold your piece of ash or birch in your hands and feel the life of the tree. Again you can't look back and really reflect and dwell there for each time is new and thrilling and the spirit takes you away and touches you. But also reminds you its not yours you just visit and coexist.

There's an old commercial that used to be directed at women about a bath product called Calgon. Women would use it and get in the tube and say "Calgon take me away" and drift off into a dream like world as the bath product relaxed them and took the stress and all away.

All your tools and stuff have their spirits that are waiting to be called upon. Waiting to be more than "Things" to take you to places where they will remind you of where they came from. But you have to stop trying to go to "Your" place and let them take you to their place.

In part I'd say you have to perhaps rediscover that they are your allies and partners in a shamanic sense. You appear to remember where they came from in the sense of physical location and how it connects to you but perhaps not why they came to you. That's why when you go to your spiritual or mystical space with them it's only a shadow of them and you go to the old spaces. they themselves do not go with you they are staying at your new location waiting to be called upon and asked to help
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Old 08-14-18   #5
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

Oh - I have very much misrepresented myself. I COMPLETELY see and understand my tools as allies, as spiritual contacts - I will re-read my words to see how I mispoke so badly. Of course, I am not so new to this work as to simply see my tools as things. Let me see if I can address this correctly, as I have some ideas from your words, but I'm a bit shocked that I spoke like someone with their first book on Wicca. Let me see how to address that(I was drinking last night, so anything is possible as I wanted to post this quickly).
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Old 08-14-18   #6
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

I don't mean things in a novice manner of seeing them. Not that abstract sort of way that a newbie tends to see things.

Sort of hard to explain but things in the sense that your tools are reflections of place and experience to that place. So the spirit aspect is being diminished or almost snuffed out. So when you hold the tool it is a "thing" of place not a tool of "spirit". Hope that makes more sense.
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Old 08-14-18   #7
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonSno_LeeDra View Post
I think part of the issue is your tools and stuff are "Things" and you see them as such. being things they are simply reflections of the place they came from and aspects of that place. It also makes them gateways to that place in both the physical sense and energy & mental sense.

You tend to refer to them by their reference to the place they came from and connection to that place by emotion. Seldom do I see you refer to them by their "Spirit" or "Super-Spirit" which is what ties them to you as an ally or mystical component.

So, I get this... but the reality - for me - is they are tied to the place and to the specific workings I did there, as well as a larger mystical reality. The staff is both the white ash we had to cut and I have made into a magical tool, with energy from the Middle realm AND it is an aspect, a fragment of Ash, the larger mystical reality. In the same way my cats are individuals on one level and representatives of the feline Oversoul on another.

There IS a powerful, personal tie and I can no more ignore that, than I can think of my tools as "just material". Or put another way, an apple bough is part of the Apple Spirit, but also of the specific tree it grows from.I believe my Bough, which was meditated to and cut ritually and stripped, sanded, decorated in circle and consecrated to the Avalonian Mysteries, is both an Inner Realm being and a tie to that place. Is this making sense? I don't want you to think I *only* see my tools as linked to that place, but there is a powerful component of that and I think that is only natural. But yes, also part of my pain and my sense of being tethered.



So I am focusing on the external, the specific. I seemed very significant to me that I moved 10 minutes away but EVERYTHING here is so dramatically different. No ash.No yellow birch.No white pine.No balsam poplar.It's as though I had to be wrenched to a totally different place to take in new lessons. I don;t know if this is making sense.But I work with Ogham and I know the larger/inner meanings of trees, herbs and creatures(not just booklearning, in case I need to say that). . There is Owl and then there is THAt owl the barred guy how hoots in the night I a- m, without a doubt, associating my tools with the old house, but not exclusively.

It seems to me you are saying, perhaps, time to move away from memory, personal experience and see all of these things as wholly spiritual and not personal at all?




Quote:
For instance you wand is not a yellow birch from the forest outback, your wand is an ally gifted to you from the spirit of a tree that is part of the super-spirit of that greater species. It ties your wand to the entire species and spirit of that spirit and draws upon the character and essence of that spirit's abilities and influences. That is not unique to your forest or location, it wasn't unique to the tree it came from or the face of the tree you knew. Yet to only think of it as that is to ignore all that it is and where it's true nature and identity came from.[

I'm going to respectfully disagree, and say that to ONLY relate a tool to its metaphysical aspect is to potentially overlook the message it has for you, specifically, individually. I am focused on that for many reasons, with regard to that house and land. Maybe too much.But I do think that an object carries resonance from it's specific background as well as representing it's Oversoul, if that makes any sense.




Quote:
Your having problems escaping I think because you've programmed your tools and allies into things.
That's not my sense of this at all, but all input is valuable.

Quote:
What do you see when you take a tool in your hands? Do you see the place it came from? Do you see and feel the spirit of the tool's spirit?
Obviously - both, but which one is highlighted depends on the tool and history, its role in an individual life.





Quote:
If you take you wand and all you see is the place you took the wand from on your property then it is a dead tool.

That's not at all what is happening here, but thank you. I do appreciate your time and insight.

fera
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Old 08-15-18   #8
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

There are two other things I want to say here, because this is a very important topic for me and I am about to try and journey again(I get an hour or so of quiet in the morning and I often do Innerwork then, when I am also rested).

1) It hasn't been my sense of this at all, that my tools, even the drum, are what connects me to my old area. It feels ancestral. My great great great grandparents were prominent settlers in that area and the house I rented was owned by a relative, a cousin from that branch of the family. It was to that house I was powerfully drawn after my brother's death; it was on that land I took my book-learning about herbs and trees and birds and animals and living in rhythm with nature, and actually experienced it all, it became a lived reality and completely internal. I experienced multiple changes there, including menopause, and multiple losses as well. The ties are much more internal and deeper than my associations of tools with that house. This is of course subjective - but at the time we received notice of repossession, I felt I was "ejected" due to all the cursing that has been laid on me, and Alex felt we were being "saved" by forces looking out for our good. After a year of reflection I feel like, a cycle had ended and it was time to move on and learn other things, and since I KNOW that Oshun played a role in my finding (and getting!) THIS house, and so many things here have to be confronted (all of which coincided with my second Saturn Return) I am satisfied I wasn't kicked out because of the curses. Although there was enormous cursing aimed at that house (and me of course, and all around me that I love) and it has remained there...which brings me to Point Two.


2) Along with all the spiritual growth, personal change, learning etc there is a second current running through my 12 years in Rupert - that current twists in and out of the others (Avalonian, Yoruban, Druidic) and to some extent I believe I left most of it there. That current is the appalling, mind boggling amount of hatred aimed at me in my early years there, and possibly onwards. All.those.curses. The insanity of one woman who by her own words, was cursing me every waking moment f her life, whose outhouse shitter was lined with pictures of me, who made over 100 avatars of me in one day, including my brother's face and hands, my dogs, I mean I still feel sick when I remember and realize that hatred like this - to a person who has done you absolutely no wrong - even exists in our species.


She enlisted others to help, lying about me (that I had been the one cursing her) and her evil affected me. I did a lot of protection but I was out of my depth with this kind of hatred. Later, here at ESF, a group of people went batshit on me and I know their curses, while nowhere near as focused and ongoing, fed the ones emanating from the original. I had to work my butt off not to be destroyed, although her stated intent was not to kill me, but make sure I stayed alive in deepest suffering. I believe that several people close to me, whom I loved, were severely harmed by the way she phrased this. But I did and do have some allies and I was and am innocent of the charge, so eventually the effect has petered out to an incessant string of bad luck, which seems, Oshun be praised, to have eased off much more since I moved out of that house.

But.

One of the things I didn't get done when I moved was to dig up all the things buried around the property - witch's bottle, mirrors, charged crystals and other stuff.
After we moved, Alex was over there cleaning out and cleaning up, and one night (this is The Thing, he is the least credulous or suggestible person I have ever known) when somewhere around 11 pm he heard a noise and was completely filled with a sense of dread. That feeling stayed with him the whole night (he was there until dawn) and he described it as the most terrifying sense of pure hatred, pure evil, and insanity, like a spirit of malice that had been worked into a howling frenzy - he could feel it, and he said his whole body was tense and terrified, with shivers repeatedly traveling his spine and hairs on his neck and arms standing up. He worked through the fear, but he said this presence was so vivid he could almost see it. We talked about all kinds of things he could do when he went back, as the cleaning wasn't done, but when he returned t had gone and he never felt it again.

We came to the conclusion, that once i had removed all my talismans and amulets and wards and seals etc, and the shrines, this thing was left exposed. But it had no target, it was now just a swirling mass of hatred.

I tell all this to help contextualize the tie that existed, the powerful ties for good and evil, I experienced in that place. Actually just writing this is quite cathartic.

For months after we moved I dreamed of the house every night or so, and on several occasions, spontaneously astral-projected there as well (I had practised a-p while there more intensely than ever before and become quite adept, if I say so myself). I tried to shut down, sever the tie but it was impossible. Spiritually, emotionally, ancestrally I feel tethers that go way beyond my associations with my tools.

And yes I know it was not great to leave all those talismans buried in the ground there, and yes I have done much Work to cut the cords..but I still seem to have a powerful contact there. What I can't make out is, whether the ties are unresolved issues (ties to those who cursed me, and yes my actual HOUSE had been a target) ties to my ancestors and family patterning in that area, ties of love for the birds and trees, and the loved ones I buried while there...all of these, I guess. I am doing some Work now on this but it an be hard always working alone, so I had hoped for some objective ideas, some feedback, from you all,MonSno and Big Al and SunSister and Rosie and Drumwolf...everyone, really.

If any of you got through all this, it is greatly appreciated. There is a lot going on, and it was only when I did a specific Vision Journey to find a sacred spot in the Wild, I realized that the ones I had built up over the past decade would NOT release me, and I understood just how much Work there still remains to be done.

fera
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Old 08-15-18   #9
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Default Re: A Bit of a Problem

fera, just out of curiosity, did you post another thread or something about this before? When I read through it yesterday, I went "oh no I forgot to reply to this, how horrid of me, I have got to get round to it this week".. only to find that you'd posted it only yesterday? I could swear high and low and back and forth that I saw this exact post verbatim before you posted it, like I'm having this massive déjà vu moment over here. (I figure I should at least mention that, even when I don't know what the value of the observation is.)


I wonder, too. If you uproot a plant, and replant it elsewhere, it needs some time to root itself to the new soil. And maybe the pebbles it's decorated with are the same, maybe the little fake bird stuck in there for decoration purposes is still the same old bird, maybe the tools that tend to it are the same as they always were.. but the soil is different, and thus it is home-but-not-home for the plant until it finds a way to take up root in this new and different space. The one thing it cannot do, though, is reclaim its old soil. Some of that old soil might still be stuck between tendrils of its roots, but it is not enough to live on and if the plant clings to that old soil in favour of the new soil anyway then it's likely to die.



I think a lot tethers you to your old soil. It's like a second heartbeat next to your own, forged through your blood but also through your memories, and every time you come back to it because your heart has grown accustomed to beating in its pace. Your tools are secondary to this -- they're born out of that second heartbeat, like children, and they are old soil as much as they can be new soil because they are the seeds you've carried forth with you to new land. I think that this is not a question of you having moved so much as it is a question of you having lifted your roots and now needing to localise the heartbeat of the new soil before you can take root in full again. And it's hard to do that last part when that second heartbeat is still beating steadily along and going "remember me? I was home". Harder, still, when maybe a part of your roots did not travel with you. But it's a transition, not an ending/beginning. You do not begin or end here. You did not begin or end in the other place.



I don't know how much this helps, or if it's even right, but I wonder.. maybe you need to journey into it. Maybe you're not released from the old space because you've yet to complete your transition journey into the new space. Maybe your journey is not about finding a new pot for your plant-self, but rather about that heartbeat and that old soil that needs to integrate within you. You were with the land, but you were not that land. You were with that space, but you were not that space. You were connected with it, but you were not the stones of the bridge that carried you over its energy stream and provided safe passage. I think you need to find a way to be with the connection but not be the connection itself, if that makes sense?
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Old 08-16-18   #10
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The reason I keep going back to your tools is because your actual craft tools, the plants you brought with you, the associations, all of it are "Tools". From what you've written and what I've gathered you tried to transplant the old to the new. To bring as much as possible with you as you could, to in essence bring a bit of the old place along.

In many ways each living item that was brought along is an attempt to create a pocket of the old energy in a new place. To push out what is new and create a buffer zone you are already familiar with. To surround you with what is known and familiar to you. Yet all that does is alienate you from the new and remind you of the old that is lost. Unfortunately it also tends to keep gateways open to you, not only to the good but also the bad. That and alienates the local spirits where you've moved to, perhaps even pissing them off.

It also does one other thing, leaves an energy signature that is traceable. Leaves an energy signature that says, "HEY, Fera is HERE!" If you had all those protections and all in place to keep it out you need a new energy signature. Moving so much from the old place to the new place did a whole lot to simply move your energy signature not change or modify it.

When you project of course you go to the old place, it's what you've tried to configure all your energy for. Its what you've created about you as basically an energy pool. You brought all the parts with you. Not just the magical via altar's, tools and mindset but also the lifeforce. How many plants, seedlings and such did you bring? How close are they to your new home? How many are actually inside your home?

How many living things from your new area are in your home? Your new area you say is vastly different. That means the local land spirits are also different. Their energy is different. The earth energy is different. Yet a forest is a forest as are its inhabitants basically the same. They speak pretty much the same and warn each other pretty much the same. But they also attack invaders who are seen as threats.

Your at the point where does the forest see you as a friend or foe? Even if you've been there for nearly a year. Look to the gifts for an answer to be honest. In a way your journey work will also tell you.

The stuff you left at the old place really doesn't matter anymore. It's basically dead and discharging now that you are gone. Like an old battery it will discharge into the ground and breakdown. Your not there doing anything to keep it charged or thinking about it actively. No residual energy left to effect it.

But here is something to think about. While it decays it's a false flag. It's still more powerful than where you are at right now. The old is stronger and more ancient and has a stronger taste. Where your at right now is newer but is weaker tasting and shallow.

You talk about ancestral ties to the land. Yet an ancestral tie in my experience would be so much larger than that small section of property. It would be a vastness of the land. It would almost be like the range of a wild animal and measured in 20 - 50 miles if not hundreds of miles. I know in Europe people occasionally talk of ancestral lands that measure as small plots the size of homesteads. Yet those usually dates back hundreds, possibly thousands of years where the same family has lived in a singular home, generation to generation. But that typically doesn't apply in Canada or the US outside of some mountainous regions. Yet even in mountainous regions, ancestral is usually applied to the mountain area ie Blue Ridge, Rockies, Appalachian, etc.

So it seems, to me anyway, you've put a self applied idea to ancestral upon that area. which would also imply its a self applied limitation that is preventing you from releasing it. That, again to me, would suggest anything holding you there is self restricting not anything external as far as unfinished business. So it seems there might be some deeper need or unfulfilled purpose you have that drives you to return. Perhaps some issue you have yet to face that deals with familial issues as you seem to place it as an ancestral facet.
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