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Old 08-14-18   #151
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Default Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

I think this is a good chapter, but you need to give it a once over before you post your chapters. Like at the end after Patrick tells Sunbeam that he is sorry to hear that, you repeat Patrick's name twice. That's a mistake I have done too. Just make a once over before submitting your chapters. Also check grammar. I know, broken record here.
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Old 08-14-18   #152
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Default Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

Quote:
Originally Posted by satanubis View Post
I think this is a good chapter, but you need to give it a once over before you post your chapters. Like at the end after Patrick tells Sunbeam that he is sorry to hear that, you repeat Patrick's name twice. That's a mistake I have done too. Just make a once over before submitting your chapters. Also check grammar. I know, broken record here.
I know. I need to work on the grammar.
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Old 08-31-18   #153
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 3

Patrick and Sunbeam arrive to Fladra. This village is diverse full of humans, elves, dwarves, halflings and other creatures that lived here. They arrived to Patrick house. Patrick was getting his house keys in his pocket. He got his house keys out of his pocket. He open the door. Both of them went inside the house. Patrick closed and lock the door from inside.

"Hey everyone. I'm home and I brought a new friend with me." said Patrick. Suddenly an attractive young woman enter the living. She appears to be human. She's tall and muscular. She have long red hair.

"Hey honey. How was your mountain climbing?" asked the young woman.

"I nearly died by falling down from the mountain but luckily my new friend Sunbeam Spiderfleck saved my life from certain death." Patrick replied.

"Oh I'm so happy that fairy saved your life, dear. Hello my name is Carrie Wands. I'm Patrick's wife." said Carrie.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Wands." Sunbeam greeted back to Carrie. Suddenly two kids enter the living room. One was a boy who appears to be human. He's short and muscular. He have short red hair. The second child was female who also appears to be human. She was a few inches shorter than the boy. She was also muscular. She have long red hair.

"Hey Dad. How was your mountain climbing." asked the young boy.

"I nearly died as I mentioned to your mother. My new friend saved my life. Sunbeam, this is my son Stan and my daughter Bonnie. Kids this is Sunbeam Spiderfleck, daddy new friend." Patrick replied back to his son.

"Hi Sunbeam." Stan introduced to Sunbeam.

"Hi Sunbeam. How did you saved my Daddy's life?" asked Bonnie curiousity.

"Hey kids. Well Bonnie to answer your question I saw your father falling down from the mountain. So I flew in and caught your father just a nick of time." said Sunbeam.

"Wow that's amazing. You must be very strong." said Stan impressively.

"Strength runs in my family." Sunbeam replied back.

"Is Sunbeam going to have lunch with us, Daddy." asked Bonnie.

"Yes. He's going to have with us. Bonnie." Patrick replied back.

"It's an honor to have lunch with you and your family Patrick." said Sunbeam he going to have lunch with the Wands family.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 09-06-18   #154
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Default Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

I like the chapter. However, I would advise to start lengthening them. This way you can have longer conversations with the characters. You also might think of inserting character thoughts, what the characters are thinking before they respond to a question or to the other character they are talking to.
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Old 09-06-18   #155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by satanubis View Post
I like the chapter. However, I would advise to start lengthening them. This way you can have longer conversations with the characters. You also might think of inserting character thoughts, what the characters are thinking before they respond to a question or to the other character they are talking to.
Thank you. Anyway there's going to be more characters to be introduced in later chapters.
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Old 09-20-18   #156
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 4

It was lunchtime in the afternoon.

Sunbeam and the Wands family was eating lunch together at the family table. At the table they have so much nutritious foods such as grains, fruits, vegetables, meat, dairy, beans and fish.

"So Sunbeam tell us about yourself?" asked Carrie.

"Well as everybody know that I'm a fairy. I lived at a village called Faeria. I have three younger sisters. My parents have died during the Orc Invasion at my village. I'm single and I don't have a girlfriend. Still looking for the right female fairy. I workout everyday. I do a lot of hobbies since as extreme sports. And that's about it so far." Sunbeam replied back to Carrie.

"So how high can you fly, Sunbeam." asked Bonnie.

"Very high. The highest that I could fly is about by five hundred feet." Sunbeam replied back to Bonnie.

"Wow that's very high. Does your wings ever get tired of flying?" asked Stan.

"Sometimes but not that often. I can lift heavy loads while I'm flying. I can ever lift humans while I'm flying. I'm very strong for a fairy."

"Hey can you me a ride while you're flying." asked Bonnie.

"Me too. I'm want to ride with you." said Stan.

"Sure someday." Sunbeam replied back to Bonnie and Stan. Everybody was eating.

"Oh honey. I received a letter from your parents. They're going to visit our house from the weekend." said Carrie.

"Oh that's wonderful dear. Kids, Grandpa and Grandma is going to visit our home this weekend." said Patrick as both kids are excited to see their grandparents.

"Who's your parents Patrick?" Sunbeam asked curiousity.

"My parents are Pellinore and Dindrane Wands, Sunbeam. I'll introduce them to you." Patrick replied back to Sunbeam.

"That's great. I'll love to meet your parents Patrick." said Sunbeam.

"Speaking of meeting. I'm going to introduce my friends to you as well." said Patrick.

"That's even better. I'll love to meet your friends as well." said Sunbeam.

"Well I'm done eating. That was the best lunch in history." said Patrick.

"Dear you always said that." said Carrie as everybody laughed.

"I'm done eating as well. Carrie thank you for inviting me for lunch with your family." said Sunbeam.

"Thank you Sunbeam. You're welcome to our home anytime." Carrie replied back to Sunbeam.

"Bonnie and Stan. I'll promised both of you a free ride with me. So anyway I must go. It was nice meeting all of you. Are you coming Patrick?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yes. I'm coming Sunbeam. Goodbye everyone. I'll see you later." said Patrick as he greeted farewell to his family. Patrick and Sunbeam left the house and they're planning to meet Patrick friends.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 09-27-18   #157
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 5

Patrick and Sunbeam went to Fladra Tavern, a place where customers drink beer, hang out, and tell stories and legends. Patrick saw three human men sitting at the table.

"Hey buds. How it hanging?" said Patrick as he and Sunbeam approached the three men.

"Hey Patrick. Who's the fairy?" one of the men asked.

"Guys this is my new friend, Sunbeam Spiderfleck. Sunbeam these are my friends, George Cups, Andrew Swords and David Pentacles." said Patrick. George Cups described himself as a tall male Human, Muscular build with short blond hair. Andrew Swords described himself as a tale male Human, Muscular build with short brown hair and finally David Pentacles described himself as a tall male Human, muscular build with short black hair.

"Hi guys. Nice to meet all of you." said Sunbeam.

So Sunbeam, how did you meet Patrick anyway?" asked David.

"I saw him falling down at the mountain and I saved his life which happens earlier this morning." said Sunbeam.

"Wow you saved Patrick life? Amazing." said Andrew as he was surprised by Sunbeam comments.

"So how did all of you meet Patrick anyway?" asked Sunbeam.

"All four of us are childhood friends. We met each other since preschool and we've been friends ever since." said George.

"So Sunbeam do you have any powers?" asked Andrew.

"Uh...I have wings and I could fly." said Sunbeam.

"Do you have any other powers such as casting magical spells." asked Andrew.

"Sorry but I don't do magical spells. I'm more like a fighter type of fairy." said Sunbeam.

"A fairy that doesn't use any magical spells. That's very rare." said David as he was surprised.

"It's not that I hate using magical spells. It just that I don't really need to use any magical spells in my life. I prefer physical strength and body than magical spells. Also I choose the fighter path and use combat in my life."

"I understand. Everybody have a path to follow." said Andrew.

"Also all my three sisters are wizards. They made their choice to follow their path. I just choose a different direction." said Sunbeam.

"Hey Patrick, the three of us are going to watch Dragon Wars this weekend at David's house. Your friend is welcome to join with us if he want." said Andrew.

"Sorry my parents are coming over at my house for the weekend. Maybe some other time." said Patrick.

"Oh.... that's too bad. Tell your parents that I say hi." Andrew replied back to Patrick and he was very disappointed to hear that Patrick was unable to come.

"I've heard of that show Dragon Wars. Isn't that the show where Dragons fight against each other at a tournament?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yeah that the one." Andrew replied back to Sunbeam.

"Yeah I really want to watch the show but I promise Patrick to meet his parents. Maybe some other time then." said Sunbeam.

"Yeah Sunbeam and I best be going now. See you guys later." said Patrick.

"It's was nice meeting you gentlemen." said Patrick as he and Sunbeam left the tavern.

"Well it was nice meeting you Patrick. I have other things to do. I'll meet you at your house in the weekend ok?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yes. See you later Sunbeam." said Patrick.

"See you later Patrick." Sunbeam replies back as he flew away heading back to his village.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 01-18-19   #158
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 6

It was Saturday afternoon. Sunbeam arrives at Patrick house. He knocks the door. Patrick opened the door from the inside.

"Hi, Sunbeam," said Patrick as he greeted Sunbeam.

"Hey, Patrick. Have your parents arrived yet?" asked Sunbeam as he went inside the house.

"Yes there here. Let me announce them to you," said Patrick as he and Sunbeam approach to Patrick's parents.

"Mom and dad, this is Sunbeam Spiderfleck, my new friend," said Patrick.

"Hello, Sunbeam. My name is Pellinore. I'm Patrick father." said Pellinore.

"Hi, Sunbeam. My name is Dindrane. I'm Patrick mother." said Dindrane.

"Hello. Nice to meet you both." Sunbeam replied back to both Patrick parents.

"Our son told so many things about you," said Pellinore.

"Did he mention that I save his life," asked Sunbeam in case Patrick left some details out.

"Yes, he mentions that you flew in to catch Patrick as he was falling down at the mountain. He wouldn't survive the fall if it's wasn't for your exalted deeds." Pellinore replied to Sunbeam.

"Yes. I'm so glad I was there in time to save your son," said Sunbeam.

"Back when I was a young boy. Humans and fairies used to be sworn, enemies. Humans look after their own kind and fairies look after their own kind." said Pellinore.

"Yes back in your day's things well pretty different and sinister," Sunbeam replied back to Pellinore.

"But both kinds manage to make peace and get along much better as it was back in the day," said Dindrane.

"If only if the orcs have the same mindset as you humans. We're still at war with them," said Sunbeam.

"Oh, sweetie. the orcs are at war with just about everybody including us humans. So you're not alone."

"Did Patrick also mention about my tragic past?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yes, he has. Pellinore and I are deeply sorry that you have to go through with it," said Dindrane.

"Yes I thought about it every day," said Sunbeam.

"I'm sure your parents were good people," said Dindrane.

"They were good people. If they were alive today you would have met with them for a get-together."

"So Sunbeam I have a question asked you, Do you have a girlfriend?" asked Dindrane smiling.

"Uh......no. I haven't found the right girl yet," said Sunbeam as he started to blush.

"Don't worry you'll find the right girl," said Dindrane.

"How did you two meet anyway?" asked Sunbeam.

"Dindrane and I met in preschool since we were very small kids and we been together ever since," said Pellinore.

"Oh wow you been together for almost forever," said Sunbeam as he was surprised.

"Yes we have our ups and downs just like in any relationship but we never broke up our relationship," said Pellinore.

Sunbeam and Patrick parents were talking for hours having a wonderful conversation. 4 hours later Sunbeam was about to leave Patrick house.

"Bye everybody. It's was nice meeting you Pellinore and Dindrane. Oh, Patrick, do you want to meet my family next weekend?"

"Sure. I would love to meet your family Sunbeam," said Patrick.

"Good see you next Saturday," said Sunbeam as he left the house.

"Bye Sunbeam I'll be there," said Patrick.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 01-22-19   #159
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 7

It was Monday afternoon. Patrick got home from work and he was resting in bed taking a nap. Somebody was knocking at the door outside his house. Patrick got out of bed and went to the front door in the house. He opens the door and it was his friends, George, Andrew and David. His friend went inside the house.

"Hey, guys. What's up?" asked Patrick?

"Patrick we need to talk to you," said Andrew with a stern look in his face.

"About what?" Patrick replied to Andrew.

"It's about Sunbeam. Your new BFF." said, George.

"What about him?" Patrick replied to George.

"Ever since you start hanging out with that fairy, you spend more time with him than the three of us," said David angrily.

"So what do you want me to do about it? He saved my life after all," said Patrick as was started to get upset.

"We want you to dump the fairy and start hanging out with us again," Andrew suggested to Patrick.

"Break up my friendship with Sunbeam. I will do no such thing!" Patrick angrily expressed his feeling to Andrew.

"We're giving you a chance to be our friend again," said George calmly.

"I see what's going on all three of you are jealous because I made a new friend who happens to save my life. The three of you was never around because of all of you were busy going on with your lives, taking care of your families and such," said Patrick as he argues with his three jealous friends.

"Yes. You're absolutely right the three of us are jealous and that fairy enchanted you with a spell and he tearing our friendship apart," said Andrew.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. First off Sunbeam isn't a spellcaster, he's a fighter. Second, he didn't put any enchantment spell at all. And finally, you don't have any proof that Sunbeam put an enchantment on me at all." said Patrick as he continues to argue with his friend.

"Look this is your last chance it's either the fairy or us?" said Andrew as he threatened Patrick to choose his friends over Sunbeam.

"I know who my true friends are and it's definitely not the three of you," said Patrick as he finally made his decision.

"Very well then, if that your final decision then the three of us are no longer friends with you. George, David lets go," said Andrew as he, George and David left Patrick house. Patrick calms himself down and lost three of his closest friends.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 01-27-19   #160
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 8

It was Saturday afternoon. Patrick went to Sunbeam's village known as Faeria. Faeria was inhabitant by fairies. Patrick arrives at Sunbeam's house. He knocks at the door from outside. Someone open the door from inside. It was Sunbeam.

"Hey, Patrick. How are you doing?" asked Sunbeam?

"I'm doing ok I guess," Patrick replied back to Sunbeam with less enthusiasm.

"Patrick I would like you to meet my family. My three little sisters. said Sunbeam as Patrick went inside the house. Sunbeam close and locks the door from inside. Patrick and Sunbeam approached three female fairies.

"This is Bluebell, Juniper and Lily," said Sunbeam.

"Nice to meet you all," said Patrick.

"Hey Patrick," said Bluebell.

"Hey Patrick," said Juniper.

"Hey Patrick," said Lily.

"Sunbeam you won't believe what happens during this week," said Patrick.

"What is it, Patrick?" asked Sunbeam.

"George, Andrew and David are no longer friends with me," Patrick replied back to Sunbeam for shocking news.

"What? How did that happen? I thought the four of you guys were very close friends." said Sunbeam as he was surprised to hear the shocking news.

"I thought so too but they told me that ever since that we became friends after you rescued me at the mountains I've spent more time with you and spend less time with them," said Patrick.

"That doesn't sound like them. Either they're jerks or they must have been enchanted with some kind of spell." Sunbeam replied back to Patrick.

"You think they've been enchanted by magic," asked Patrick.

"Yeah. Maybe if I talked to them to see if they were enchanted?" said Sunbeam.

"I don't know Sunbeam. Maybe it bests to leave it be," said Patrick.

"I can at least try," said Sunbeam.

"Ok, go for it," said Patrick as he spends the rest of the day with Sunbeam.

TO BE CONTINUED
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