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Old 08-14-18   #151
satanubis
 
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Default Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

I think this is a good chapter, but you need to give it a once over before you post your chapters. Like at the end after Patrick tells Sunbeam that he is sorry to hear that, you repeat Patrick's name twice. That's a mistake I have done too. Just make a once over before submitting your chapters. Also check grammar. I know, broken record here.
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Old 08-14-18   #152
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Originally Posted by satanubis View Post
I think this is a good chapter, but you need to give it a once over before you post your chapters. Like at the end after Patrick tells Sunbeam that he is sorry to hear that, you repeat Patrick's name twice. That's a mistake I have done too. Just make a once over before submitting your chapters. Also check grammar. I know, broken record here.
I know. I need to work on the grammar.
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Old 08-31-18   #153
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 3

Patrick and Sunbeam arrive to Fladra. This village is diverse full of humans, elves, dwarves, halflings and other creatures that lived here. They arrived to Patrick house. Patrick was getting his house keys in his pocket. He got his house keys out of his pocket. He open the door. Both of them went inside the house. Patrick closed and lock the door from inside.

"Hey everyone. I'm home and I brought a new friend with me." said Patrick. Suddenly an attractive young woman enter the living. She appears to be human. She's tall and muscular. She have long red hair.

"Hey honey. How was your mountain climbing?" asked the young woman.

"I nearly died by falling down from the mountain but luckily my new friend Sunbeam Spiderfleck saved my life from certain death." Patrick replied.

"Oh I'm so happy that fairy saved your life, dear. Hello my name is Carrie Wands. I'm Patrick's wife." said Carrie.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Wands." Sunbeam greeted back to Carrie. Suddenly two kids enter the living room. One was a boy who appears to be human. He's short and muscular. He have short red hair. The second child was female who also appears to be human. She was a few inches shorter than the boy. She was also muscular. She have long red hair.

"Hey Dad. How was your mountain climbing." asked the young boy.

"I nearly died as I mentioned to your mother. My new friend saved my life. Sunbeam, this is my son Stan and my daughter Bonnie. Kids this is Sunbeam Spiderfleck, daddy new friend." Patrick replied back to his son.

"Hi Sunbeam." Stan introduced to Sunbeam.

"Hi Sunbeam. How did you saved my Daddy's life?" asked Bonnie curiousity.

"Hey kids. Well Bonnie to answer your question I saw your father falling down from the mountain. So I flew in and caught your father just a nick of time." said Sunbeam.

"Wow that's amazing. You must be very strong." said Stan impressively.

"Strength runs in my family." Sunbeam replied back.

"Is Sunbeam going to have lunch with us, Daddy." asked Bonnie.

"Yes. He's going to have with us. Bonnie." Patrick replied back.

"It's an honor to have lunch with you and your family Patrick." said Sunbeam he going to have lunch with the Wands family.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 09-06-18   #154
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Default Re: BartmanHomer's creative writing and discussions

I like the chapter. However, I would advise to start lengthening them. This way you can have longer conversations with the characters. You also might think of inserting character thoughts, what the characters are thinking before they respond to a question or to the other character they are talking to.
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Old 09-07-18   #155
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Originally Posted by satanubis View Post
I like the chapter. However, I would advise to start lengthening them. This way you can have longer conversations with the characters. You also might think of inserting character thoughts, what the characters are thinking before they respond to a question or to the other character they are talking to.
Thank you. Anyway there's going to be more characters to be introduced in later chapters.
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Old 09-20-18   #156
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 4

It was lunchtime in the afternoon.

Sunbeam and the Wands family was eating lunch together at the family table. At the table they have so much nutritious foods such as grains, fruits, vegetables, meat, dairy, beans and fish.

"So Sunbeam tell us about yourself?" asked Carrie.

"Well as everybody know that I'm a fairy. I lived at a village called Faeria. I have three younger sisters. My parents have died during the Orc Invasion at my village. I'm single and I don't have a girlfriend. Still looking for the right female fairy. I workout everyday. I do a lot of hobbies since as extreme sports. And that's about it so far." Sunbeam replied back to Carrie.

"So how high can you fly, Sunbeam." asked Bonnie.

"Very high. The highest that I could fly is about by five hundred feet." Sunbeam replied back to Bonnie.

"Wow that's very high. Does your wings ever get tired of flying?" asked Stan.

"Sometimes but not that often. I can lift heavy loads while I'm flying. I can ever lift humans while I'm flying. I'm very strong for a fairy."

"Hey can you me a ride while you're flying." asked Bonnie.

"Me too. I'm want to ride with you." said Stan.

"Sure someday." Sunbeam replied back to Bonnie and Stan. Everybody was eating.

"Oh honey. I received a letter from your parents. They're going to visit our house from the weekend." said Carrie.

"Oh that's wonderful dear. Kids, Grandpa and Grandma is going to visit our home this weekend." said Patrick as both kids are excited to see their grandparents.

"Who's your parents Patrick?" Sunbeam asked curiousity.

"My parents are Pellinore and Dindrane Wands, Sunbeam. I'll introduce them to you." Patrick replied back to Sunbeam.

"That's great. I'll love to meet your parents Patrick." said Sunbeam.

"Speaking of meeting. I'm going to introduce my friends to you as well." said Patrick.

"That's even better. I'll love to meet your friends as well." said Sunbeam.

"Well I'm done eating. That was the best lunch in history." said Patrick.

"Dear you always said that." said Carrie as everybody laughed.

"I'm done eating as well. Carrie thank you for inviting me for lunch with your family." said Sunbeam.

"Thank you Sunbeam. You're welcome to our home anytime." Carrie replied back to Sunbeam.

"Bonnie and Stan. I'll promised both of you a free ride with me. So anyway I must go. It was nice meeting all of you. Are you coming Patrick?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yes. I'm coming Sunbeam. Goodbye everyone. I'll see you later." said Patrick as he greeted farewell to his family. Patrick and Sunbeam left the house and they're planning to meet Patrick friends.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Old 09-27-18   #157
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Default Patrick And Sunbeam

Chapter 5

Patrick and Sunbeam went to Fladra Tavern, a place where customers drink beer, hang out, and tell stories and legends. Patrick saw three human men sitting at the table.

"Hey buds. How it hanging?" said Patrick as he and Sunbeam approached the three men.

"Hey Patrick. Who's the fairy?" one of the men asked.

"Guys this is my new friend, Sunbeam Spiderfleck. Sunbeam these are my friends, George Cups, Andrew Swords and David Pentacles." said Patrick. George Cups described himself as a tall male Human, Muscular build with short blond hair. Andrew Swords described himself as a tale male Human, Muscular build with short brown hair and finally David Pentacles described himself as a tall male Human, muscular build with short black hair.

"Hi guys. Nice to meet all of you." said Sunbeam.

So Sunbeam, how did you meet Patrick anyway?" asked David.

"I saw him falling down at the mountain and I saved his life which happens earlier this morning." said Sunbeam.

"Wow you saved Patrick life? Amazing." said Andrew as he was surprised by Sunbeam comments.

"So how did all of you meet Patrick anyway?" asked Sunbeam.

"All four of us are childhood friends. We met each other since preschool and we've been friends ever since." said George.

"So Sunbeam do you have any powers?" asked Andrew.

"Uh...I have wings and I could fly." said Sunbeam.

"Do you have any other powers such as casting magical spells." asked Andrew.

"Sorry but I don't do magical spells. I'm more like a fighter type of fairy." said Sunbeam.

"A fairy that doesn't use any magical spells. That's very rare." said David as he was surprised.

"It's not that I hate using magical spells. It just that I don't really need to use any magical spells in my life. I prefer physical strength and body than magical spells. Also I choose the fighter path and use combat in my life."

"I understand. Everybody have a path to follow." said Andrew.

"Also all my three sisters are wizards. They made their choice to follow their path. I just choose a different direction." said Sunbeam.

"Hey Patrick, the three of us are going to watch Dragon Wars this weekend at David's house. Your friend is welcome to join with us if he want." said Andrew.

"Sorry my parents are coming over at my house for the weekend. Maybe some other time." said Patrick.

"Oh.... that's too bad. Tell your parents that I say hi." Andrew replied back to Patrick and he was very disappointed to hear that Patrick was unable to come.

"I've heard of that show Dragon Wars. Isn't that the show where Dragons fight against each other at a tournament?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yeah that the one." Andrew replied back to Sunbeam.

"Yeah I really want to watch the show but I promise Patrick to meet his parents. Maybe some other time then." said Sunbeam.

"Yeah Sunbeam and I best be going now. See you guys later." said Patrick.

"It's was nice meeting you gentlemen." said Patrick as he and Sunbeam left the tavern.

"Well it was nice meeting you Patrick. I have other things to do. I'll meet you at your house in the weekend ok?" asked Sunbeam.

"Yes. See you later Sunbeam." said Patrick.

"See you later Patrick." Sunbeam replies back as he flew away heading back to his village.

TO BE CONTINUED
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